It's Okay To Just Get By

In this part in my life, it just felt like everyone I cared and loved for was going their own way. I remember a few nights after moving everything into my new place and I turned to my partner and said it doesn't feel like a home, it just feels like a house or a storage... So I keep asking myself what I can do to make it feel like home. To make it feel like my childhood. To bring back the feeling of safety, security, fun, and happiness. To be close with my family again... And I think that I will never be able to find or re-create those feelings ever again. In the process of moving, I really had to throw everything away. I burnt drawers, desks, TV stands, coffee table, and much more because these were items in our family home. During these past two months I was forced to confront and relive everything that went wrong. From my parents divorce, to the separation of us siblings, and even facing my own identity and memories of middle school and high school. I went through all of mine and my family things, from the old photo albums, picture frames, family movies, and to small sentimental things that I held on to from when I was a child up to now. All these things were trashed in the two dumpers that I rented. I wish there was a dumpster for all the hardships and challenges that my family and I had gone through. I wish I could rent a dumpster to trash away this karmic path and to just start anew. During these two months of cleaning, packing, and re-living memories, I felt most abandoned by my shaman guides and spirits. I had prayed so hard to keep my family together. To keep us financially stable, to keep us in good health, to protect us from the law...and I felt like I really did put in the work. I understand that nothing in life comes easy if we don't put in our work. But for so long now it feels like no matter how good of a person you are, no matter how hard you work, I continue to fall. It's like one thing after another. One trauma after another, one problem after another. During this time I felt a great disconnect between my shaman guides and I... maybe perhaps I'm just the one who's disconnected. Angry at how life is the way it is... Maybe I just don't know how to place my disappointment and let downs. I always try to find the good in the bad and to make the best of my situation. Regardless if my family is separated or each of us growing our own way, regardless if my shamanic journey and practice is at a pause, I'm taking this time to focus on what it means to live totally.

As I spent the last two months moving, I had many family, friends, and clients seeking spiritual help from me. I turned almost all of them down because I was not in the right mental and spiritual state to possibly help any one. In reflection, even though we were in a pandemic, I felt like I performed even more healing rituals in 2020 than I had ever had in previous years. I wish there was a dumpster for when we feel like how I do now. I wish I could burn away these feelings of feeling left out, forgotten, and pressure. I realize I am not responsible for things I cannot control. I realize that it is not the experience that shape us but how we perceive the experience. You know, during the pandemic many of us were saying, "it's ok to just get through right now." But there were many times in my life, including now, where I just felt like all I can do is get by. To just get through it. Now that I am all moved in to my new place, I continue to help run my shop but from afar as my partner has taken over full time. He has been my biggest supporter and backbone, helping me get through the dark storms I create for myself. He continues to do such an amazing job running the shop. I'm back in grad school and also working as well. I'm making it a goal to start my book. I'm slowly trying to rediscover and fall in love with myself, with my shaman guides, and relearning this shamanic process. I'm slowly prioritizing my time for my loved ones and dedicating my time for things that I love. I've taken a step down in community work and putting my personal health first. I'm learning how to handle my anxiety and my depression. We don't need to live in a pandemic to just "get by." Every day that we get by is a day accomplished.

-TFL Hmong Shaman