I Love You, Yawg.

Just as the seasons come and go, life too follows the natural cycle of life, birth, decay, and death. We enter the world in pairs. Our left eye and our right. Night time and day time. Good and evil. Our first breath as we enter the world and our last breath as we leave it. But nothing is ever gone. It is a mere experience of dying, but not a true departure, just a transition. It is a continuity of form beyond this world. Like a plant that ends its cycle, it's DNA decays into the grass beneath it. It doesn't erase its existence once before, just transitions into the grass itself. A new journey in another form. A new experience to begin. My journey as a shaman has shown me that both living and dying, life and death itself are all gifts on opposite sides. It is a beautiful journey that not even shamans understand, but we must accept. It has taught me to honor the world of form and spirit, surrending to the endless death and rebirth. We stop looking for the meaning of life but instead understand that we must bring meaning to every situation. We stop looking for truth and instead bring truth to every encounter. And so when encountering the experience of death and dying, accept it as truth but not the end. Accept it as a transition, as a form beyond what we can see, touch, or hear. What is life if we can see death. What is life is we can touch it, or hear it? We have to bring meaning and truth to our memories with our loved ones. One day when our time comes, we'll rejoice with them too and they'll simply say, "Welcome back Home."

My kind, brave, courageous, and a man of honest virtue, my grandpa, my yawg, Vaj Tsheej Lis, has peacefully departed our world in his sleep on Saturday August 12, 2023. He is making his way to rejoice with the ancestors. He has taught me many things. He is my teacher. He taught me how to hu plig (soul calling). Because of him, I know how to call people's spirits and souls back home when they are frightened or sick. As a little kid, I remember him using his cow divination horns and he'd tap lightly on the door during a soul calling. I asked, "Yawg, ua cas koj khob khob qhov rooj?" This translates to, "Grandpa, why are you tapping/knocking the door?" He said it's to call my spirit home. And so home, I came.

As a kid, I remember coming home and seeing him in the basement sharpening his knives. He used a flat sheet rock like a brick and went back and forth with the knife. I can still hear the sound it made. Such a distinct rhythmetic sound. I remember one day after school I asked him, "Yawg, ua cas koj muab rab riam ua dab tsis os?" This translates to, "Grandpa, why do you keep doing that with the knife?" My yawg said, "Ua kom ntse, thiab tau tsuav nqaij rau nej noj." This translates to, "To make it sharp, so we can chop meat for you all to eat." And so today, I learn how to sharpen knives simply by seeing him when I was a kid. I know how to chop meat for my family because of my yawg.

When I started my shaman journey many moons ago, my yawg had cut these coiled form joss papers. I asked, "Yawg, cov no yog dab tsi?" This translates to, "Grandpa, what are these for?" He said his grandpa taught his dad, and because his dad was a shaman, he taught him how to cut Ntshua Ntawv (spirit money), and now he's teaching me. Every time I do ua neeb (healing ritual), I use his teachings to help heal people. I use his dad, and his grandpa, and his great grandpa's teachings to help heal people during an ua neeb. As a healer, I receive my yawg's teachings. I receive his dad's shaman gifts. I receive our ancestor's knowledge within me. And now, my yawg has rejoiced with the ancestors. I am so honored that he was able to teach me the spiritual practices that his dad taught him. It is my way of remaining in connection to my grandpa and those before him too.

Growing up, my parents fought a lot. Many times I remember extended families coming together to work out their issues. When my parents finally did split up, my mom said to me, "Your yawg is a righteous man. He does what is right and he has always listened to me and has never raised his voice at me. He was always on my side." My yawg has taught me to always do the right thing. Even times when it is hard, or when things seem impossible, do the right thing. Nothing can defeat someone who does the right thing. My yawg was not much for words, but I remember a line from one of his speeches during a family gathering. He said, "Txawm koj ua dab tsi los, ua qhov yog. Ua qhov ncaj. Ua qhov tseeb. Ntuj nyob saum, ntuj pom qhov koj ua. Yuav tsum ua qhov yog xwb." This translates to, "Whatever you do, do the right thing. Do what is even. Do what is truth. Heaven is up there and it see's what you do. Just do the right thing."

Just two weeks prior to my yawg's passing, I had a dream I was visited by Sickness (a white wolf) and Death itself (a white tiger). I was in the jungle walking on a dirt path when they stepped in a few yards in front of me and blocked my path. They growled and hissed at me. I was thinking to myself, "Which bite is going to kill me the fastest?" I can clearly see the wolf's mucus salivating into the dirt beneath it. The white tiger crouched down like it was ready for its kill. Then, the white tiger jumped and leaped towards me, first nailing its paw into my chest and taking its first bite into my arm. I screamed for help. I screamed for my shaman spirits. But to no avail, no one came to save me. No one came to help this time. There was blood everywhere. I woke up from this dream in a sweat. The words of an elder shaman came rushing to me as she once told me that dreaming about tigers is about death. The tiger itself is death. So I called my grandma right away and asked, "Koj thiab yawg puas nyob ok os?" This translates to, " Are you and grandpa ok?" My grandma says the same thing she always says to me when I call her about a frightening dream, "Koj yawg thiab kuv nyob ok os. Tsis muaj dab tsi, tsuas yog npau suav xwb os mi tub." This translates to, "Your grandpa and I are ok. There's nothing, it's just a dream my son."

Just one week prior to my yawg's passing, I had a dream I went back to my hometown. I was born there, grew up there, lived with my grandparents there, and graduated high school from there. I saw everyone gathered together in a big building. All the Hmong families, clans, relatives, far relatives, and even the Hmong OGs that died many, many years ago. They were all gathered together, both the living on one side and the departed on the other side. In the dream I thought to myself, "For what occasion are we gathered today?" Then, my yawg came up to me. He was dressed in all white hemp clothing. He looked like himself, only with more hair and more firm skin. He then blew into the qeej (Hmong bamboo instrument) and started playing a qeej song for me. I don't play the qeej so I don't know what song he played. But qeej instruments are most often played during funerals to guide the dead back Home. I asked him, "Yawg, koj ua dab tsi os?" This translates to, "Grandpa, what are you doing?" But, he just kept playing it without hesitation. He kept bowing down as they do when they play qeej. I said to myself, "Ua cas, hnub no yawg xav tshuab qeej rau kuv mloog nes?" This translates to, "How come today my grandpa wants to play the qeej for me to listen?"

For the past two months prior to my grandpa's passing, I fell into a depression. I didn't know why, but something deep down was aching. It was a deep sadness and I didn't understand. I couldn't explain to anyone. It felt like I didn't want to live anymore, and I couldn't figure out why I was feeling this way. But now, all I'm able to do is think back to the signs and the revelations my shaman spirits foresaw. These were omens. They knew ahead of time, and I wish there could have been something I could have done spiritually to stop this from happening. Death and Sickness both visited me to tell me that this time, whether it was Death or Sickness, I wasn't going to be able to help. They blocked me and stopped my shaman guides from intervening my yawg's departure. As a Hmong shaman, you're suppose to be prepared to deal with spirits and the non-living. But nothing prepared me for this. All anyone can do now is cry and wish him a safe passage to the ancestors.

Rest in peace to my yawg. My brave and courageous soldier. The protector of our Lee family. I hope you know that you gave us an amazing life. You did an amazing job raising your children and raising your grandchildren. If there is such a thing as next lifetime, I pray that you are our father and our grandpa again. Go softly into your goodnight.

Love,

Your grandson.

TFL Hmong Shaman