Dream 2.21.22 The Road To My Mom

We made a mission to drive to my mom's house. My paternal grandparents, my dad, and a few my uncles from my dad's side all were in the car with me as we drove. Before I knew it, we were driving in a beautiful forest. The trees were a beautiful dark jade green, full of leaves and life. The bark and the limbs of the trees were colors of a rich caramel coffee color, brown and full of life. It was neither too sunny or too dark, just perfect. We drove deep into the forest and the roads went in every direction. There were dozens upon dozens of roads in which it would split into multiple directions. It was a roller coaster of a path until we finally stopped in a flat land. My paternal grandma and my dad said to me in Hmong, "This is where you have to get off to find your mom. Her house is somewhere way over that beautiful mountain and water fall." I looked out the car and there were beautiful mountains upon mountains, waterfalls, caves, the smell of fresh nectar and wet banana leaves. I said to them in Hmong, "I am so far away, can't we go a little closer. How can I find her in this forest, there are so many roads and paths?" My dad said to me, "Just go in there and you'll know where to go."

I took a step into the forest and I was all by myself. It felt like the mountains of Portland, greenery all around me. The smell of wet bark, moss, and a thick humidity in the air. The birds were chirping in the trees and everything seemed so perfect. There was an abundance of fruits growing everywhere. Apples. Mangoes. Oranges. Papaya. Dragon Fruit. The air always felt kind of wet like mist. I walked up and down the mountain. I walked through perfectly cut grass and whenever the road split, I just went with my gut. I walked for miles and thought to myself I was surely lost. "Where is my mom's house?" I said to myself. I finally saw a Hmong woman walking in the distance and realized it was my mom. We both ran to each other and I said, "Mom! When did you move out here, it's so far from me?" She said in Hmong, "Sam and I bought a new house and it's just a little bit over this hill!" So, we walked up the hill and came upon a huge mansion. It was an all white mansion with tons of flowers all around the house. My mom always did love flowers. I went inside her house and it was all white, as clean as tissue paper still in the box. I looked around the home and saw my mom, her new husband Sam, my brother Skylar, and some of Sam's side of the family...."

I woke up.

My parents got a divorce a few years ago and my mom remarried in fall of 2021 to her new husband. They are Christians and attend church on Sundays. My little brother Skylar also lives with my mom and her new husband. He, too, also attends church now. Here I am, her oldest son, a traditional Hmong shaman. I perform rituals and believe in spirits. My home is my altar. I pray to my ancestors and they look after my family and I. But when I pray, I wonder if they still look out for her too. I wonder if my ancestors find it hard to find her now too. Do our family spirits still protect her? To me when I perform rituals, I still send guides to protect her spirit. I still include her when I hide my family spirits in Siv Yis's 99 Lub Yias Tooj, 88 Lub Yias Hlau. I still use my guides to hide her spirit from evil, from ghosts and wild spirits. When I pray to my ancestors and household spirits, I still include my mom in every ritual... From this dream, I wonder if I'll only find her now if she comes to me. That her spirit and soul is guarded by God and disguised from the rest of us. And so when I try to lock and hide her spirit now, are my shaman guides still capable of finding a path to her or would they too, be lost in the forest... Is she still a part of the family..?

TFL Hmong Shaman