Connecting to My Shamanic Roots

Your tree cannot bear fruit unless you're connected to your roots. Our root is our essence. It is our emotion. They are our intelligence and understanding of the true world, of ourselves, and our connection to our ancestors. Our roots are our most authentic true selves. Roots are historical. But they are also growth. Being grounded in our spiritual roots will help lead us back to ancestral knowledge and spiritual practice.

That's me in that photo. In a time a place in my life where my roots weren't strong, very weak, negligible, and almost nonexistent. It seems like a distant past, a life time ago. Five years ago I initiated the beginning of my Hmong shaman journey, embarking a change and twist in my life that I did not expect. Who knew becoming a Hmong shaman would impact work, career, family, friends, grad school, my gay identity, etc. Who knew embarking this journey meant fixing my roots, nourishing it, and giving it space to grow. Hmong shamanism is the belief in the co-existence of the spiritual world along side with the physical realm. We co-exist with spirits in nature, ancestors, ghosts, and we believe in karma and reincarnation. We are traditional herbal healers and lovers of nature. We believe that physical illnesses are a result of a spiritual cause. Traditional Hmong shamanism is also the belief in ancestral guidance. We pray and offer them food in return for good luck, health, and wealth.

Traditional Hmong shamans must be chosen to become a shaman. We are chosen through the selection process from shaman spirits and /or ancestral spirits. For me, the selection process meant that my spiritual guides needed my roots to be healed. They needed me in a better space in order to fulfill my purpose. Shamanism that runs in the bloodline or family line is known as "Neeb Txwv Zeej, Txwv Txoob." This my lineage as I inherited my shaman roots from my great grandfather, Suav Tub Lis. He inherited his shaman lineage from from his grandfather before him, and so on. It skips every other generation, or every generation until shaman spirits select someone they approve. Some families have more than one shaman at a time and others may not have any.

Traditional Hmong shamans don't choose to become one. We do not choose the direction and flow of our shamanic roots. If you ask any traditional Hmong shaman we'll tell you that we didn't have a choice and that this was our last option. Most of us don't want to become a shaman but we have to. When ancestral shaman guides select an individual, this person experiences a series of sicknesses. For some they are born with shaman guides but don't initiate it until much older. We call this term "shaman sickness" or "mob neeb." This is when shamans must endure root sickness. Our roots become weak. For me, it started when I was just five years old. Shaman sickness can be both physical illness and mental / paranormal. At five years old I started to experience nightmares, night terrors, and sleep paralysis. I remember almost every dream I've had, filled with visitations from the deceased, ghosts, and demons. We become a magnet for many deceased spirits as a communicator or medium. Then, amidst coming into my gay identity in my teens, I was depressed. If it hadn't been for my spirit guides, I don't think I would have made it. Depression is a common symptom among the beginning stages of shamanism in addition to minor symptoms of bipolar and even schizophrenia. We can feel the energy of people and situations in the environment. We experience emotions on a heightened level. My sleep paralysis continued and the nightmares intensified in my teen years. I had dreams of living the Hmong life back in the old country, almost like going back in time to the 1900s, 1800s, and so on. I had dreams of visiting my ancestors, being greeted by dead relatives I've never met before. I started to feel like there was a big piece of my life missing, as if there was something more to life than just this. It was a deep longing. This feeling continued as I went off to college.

Going off to college, my shaman sickness decreased for the first two years. I was always a little sad all the time and never understood why. Shaman sickness comes and goes whenever it wants and it has no meaning or sense to when it comes. College was an escape for me. For once I could start over and be who I truly was without anyone judging me or making fun of who I was. I thought my roots were finally starting to form. However, my shaman sickness slowly came back in the form of depression, physical pain, and paranormal activities. Shaman sickness will never make you sick enough to the point of death, but sometimes it can make you feel like death. My shaman sickness came back but this time with more intense nightmares and heightened sleep paralysis. It was to the extent where I couldn't wake up from my dream or snap out of sleep paralysis even if someone woke me up. It was to a point where I saw black figures around my bed, stepping into my rib cage, followed by extreme pain the next morning. I started to experience physical pain in my feet, legs, and hands. My migraines lasted for up to three days in which my headaches felt like my brain was bleeding from the inside. My shaman sickness persisted throughout college and I kept it a secret. At this point in my life I've come to normalize these things happening. I've normalized a rotting root.

At my last straw, I decided to visit a shaman. She was only suppose to do a reading but went into a shamanic trance. She confirmed with me that I was born with shaman guides and that shamanism runs in my bloodline. She was right because my great grandfather was a shaman. She confirmed my experiences and explained to me things that I never told her about. After her confirmation, my sleep paralysis, night terrors, nightmares, and depression went away immediately. The sad, nostalgic, and kho siab feeling went away. In Hmong, the term "kho siab" is a feeling used to describe an intense longing and missing of something or someone. It all disappeared as soon as she confirmed for me, as if nothing was ever there. I remember exactly how it felt when I went to sleep that night and for the first time in a very long, long time, I didn't have sleep paralysis, nightmares, no visions, or visitation dreams. A few days pass since the shaman's confirmation and I had a dream I was in Laos. As I starred out into the abyss I saw hundreds of acres filled with mountains, jungles, and farm land. Approaching me was a Hmong man in old traditional Hmong clothes. He handed me a traditional Hmong men's outfit and said, "npaj os, peb los lawm." Which means "Get ready. We're coming." As I accepted the clothing he gave me, I looked afar and saw a long line of Hmong people, lined up miles down the road marching towards me. Some of them carrying hemp baskets. As you accept your destiny, you are relieved of the shaman sickness and you begin your shamanic journey. This dream confirmed my acceptance. My roots were finally watered.

Although elder shamans won't talk about it or admit it, the beginning stages are most challenging. It is mentally and emotionally draining. This time is spent making sense of this new stage in our lives. We're given this knew information and we enter a new perspective while everything and everyone around us is still the same. You begin as a student shaman who is in their "practicing stages." In this stage, you practice your chants and you learn the necessary details for when you perform specific rituals. At the beginning it was very difficult because I felt very alone. I had to re-evaluate my entire life and think about certain friendships and relationships. You begin to think if certain things are important to you anymore. I began to make these connections, rerouting my roots.

So much unlearning what I've been brought up to believe. So much un-normalizing things that we've just normalized for so long just because we were told to do so. At times I feel like my shaman practice holds me back from doing so many things I had planned for my life, but I understand that I am where I need to be even if I don't want to be here. Becoming a shaman has taught me acceptance in all parts of myself. So today my altar stands tall like a tree. It is the root of my home. It is the center of what connects me back to my ancestors and what has given me clarity. My altar today is a testament, it is proof that truth can be revealed to us. It is proof that we can be reconnected to our ancestors and ancient knowledge. I am living proof that life as a gay Hmong person can be possible. Life as a Hmong gay shaman and spiritual healer is possible. It starts when we begin to root ourselves.