Becoming a Shaman Changed My Life

I feel I have been given clarity and given a second chance at life. I walk the path of a healer, of an empath, of someone who is given sacred knowledge, but also burdened with the truth of life and death. To say there's nothing but what we can physically see is an answer much easier to accept in life, but it doesn't mean it's truth. It means nothing of what we do in our life has an effect, has no consequence, and given no meaning. Who are we to worry about what comes after life when we won't be there to experience it, right? But the truth of what a shaman holds is ancestral knowledge. It is an understanding of the universe, of the spirits, of nature, of everything physical and metaphysical interacting and affecting each other. It is much like that of a dance. We dance because we simply want to. We get sweaty, we get muscle soreness, but that feeling a dancer gets is everything above and more than just the physical movements. And those experiences is like the path and the knowledge of a shaman. We are everything physical yet walking that line of the things we cannot see, touch, smell, or taste.

I want to share some of my thoughts and experiences on the challenges of being a Hmong shaman. Some of these things elder shamans don't like to express mainly because talking about our emotions and feelings are somewhat taboo, especially for elder male shamans like my grandparents and great grandparents generation. One of the challenges I am still learning to overcome is the feeling of just not being competent enough when people, family, friends, and the community come to me seeking answers. Especially true when I first started by journey in my early 20s, I felt like I was just a college kid who had no idea what I was doing. At that stage in my shaman journey and in my life in general I was still searching for my own path. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and I always just took whatever opportunity life threw at me. Then here I was trying to help someone else with spiritual problems and sicknesses. It was hard and continues to be hard because I have that feeling of not having enough knowledge of my own culture. I have these feelings of uncertainty if what I'm doing is actually helping. I've had cases and clients who, although I knew the outcome would be bad, I could only give positive answers and pray and hope deeply that they would recover, only to know deep down they will not. I've had clients who have passed away a few days or weeks after seeking help from me. And this is a reminder to me that each of us are on our own path, we have our own karma, we have our own purpose and it doesn't matter what we do, we cannot change the outcome of someone's timeline. It use to affect me deeply when client's pass away or when I know they won't become better...unfortunately this is just something all people, not just shamans, have to go through.

In the beginning of my path, I often felt like I was changing and given all this new information about what being a healer meant. Yet, everything and everyone around me stayed the same. I actually didn't know how to cope and deal with what I was going through intrinsically so I mainly kept my feelings and emotions to myself. I often felt like crying because I felt alone and not sure who to turn to that would understand. Even I, myself, didn't understand what was going on with me and how this path was going to change and impact my life and my family. And especially true in the very beginning stages of becoming a Hmong shaman, I was just very sensitive. Some shamans are energy readers and as you embark your new path you can sense everyone and their vibe, feelings, and emotions. I would walk into a friend or family member's home and I could sense the energy, the vibes in the room of the people, and it'd often become overwhelming. Sometimes too, spirits in the room or in the environment become overwhelming. And in these situations I'd simply leave. Even today when the energy in the room becomes too much to bare. I just leave the room or just go home. Being a shaman has impacted my professional life as well; having to take on careers or jobs that dealt less with people on a personal because the energy was too much to bare. I've had to learn to be okay removing myself from old relationships with friends and even family, and creating a new space that works for me. This means carving out space to be okay and I think this can be applied to all walks and parts of our life.

Maybe it's just me, but in some way Hmong shamans are always a little sad all the time. Being depressed or having anxiety is nothing new to Hmong shamans. It's still something we don't like to talk about, maybe because mental health in itself is a topic yet to bring more awareness to in our community. But for a lot of Hmong shamans, one of the "symptoms" of shaman sickness is depression. And although I've overcome depression, in some way I'm always a little sad all the time and for reasons I don't even understand why. Perhaps my shaman guides are sad. Maybe it's just me unconsciously knowing that life is nothing but a temporary experience and that's why I'm always sad. I don't know. But I am reminded of all the beautiful things we get to experience in this life and memories we get to take with us even if we're on our last breath, that makes me happy.

Shamanism does run in my family. The last person to become a shaman was my great grandfather on my dad's side. He passed away a long time ago in Thailand, even before I was born and before my parents and grandparents came to America in the 90s. One of the best things to come from this journey so far is getting to hear the stories of my great grandpa and his shaman journey. To get to hear stories directly from my grandpa on his father is honestly the greatest privilege to experience. Every time I do a ritual or just burn joss at my altar I can feel the presence of my ancestral shamans, starting from my great grandpa and his grandpa before him. But with this, I think at the beginning I gave myself an expectation to live up to something that even I was a stranger to. I wanted to do everything "correctly" and to do things the way my great grandfather would have. I wanted to say every chant and do every step the same way my master did. And when I did this, I just didn't feel like it was me. I didn't feel like the rituals were genuine or authentic. So, eventually I just did the rituals and the chants in my own way. I did this according to what my shaman guides wanted and just followed my gut feeling. I think in anything we do in life we have this expectation of ourselves and that's totally ok! As long as you set these expectations and not just marching to the beat of someone else's drum. That's important.

Now, I get asked this question a lot so I want to talk about it. People have asked, "Do you get afraid sometimes?" And to answer this question, yes, honestly I do. Hmong shamanism is scary. Not all of it, but some experiences are. But as time goes on we become "use to it." That's to say, for some of us, we experience really scary things even before we officially initiate and begin our journey, so things don't phase us as much. As we encounter spiritual entities or the paranormal, we know what to do. We know how to handle situations and so we don't get afraid as much. With that, I also get asked the question, "How did you know what to say (the chants)?" I feel like I had to relearn my language when I started my journey which was challenging! Some elder shamans may not tell you this and perhaps some modern shamans may be overly dramatic about it, but honestly it just requires repetition and practice. Just like preparing for a test or learning the chapters of a book, you have to remember what you read, what it's about, and apply it to real life. Honestly speaking, there's no spirit whispering in your ear what to say. Hmong people say the phrase that shaman guides come open your mouth to chant. And I think perhaps this has been taken to a totally literal level. Shaman guides do tell you and teach you what to say, but this comes internally and sometimes also through dream. But they don't actually come and whisper in your ear. Your shaman master must teach you, especially for young Hmong Americans who are shamans who may not be exposed to the practice and who may not speak the language as fluent. Shamans must learn the chants as much as practice them as well. Shaman masters don't teach you how to diagnose or heal, but they tell you the chant and what it's used for in certain situations. When I started my journey, I simply learned the chants by repetition and sectioning each part and learning it one by one, word for word. After you compute it to memory, you then begin to say the phrases and the chants in your own way and it becomes natural. You can't say it word for word every single time, it's just not realistic. Every opportunity I got, I rehearsed the chants out loud. In the car while driving. Jogging. Hiking. Even at work I'd practice in my head. You have to commit to your new path and be consistent. When I initiated my shaman path, I was still in undergrad. So I had to find the time to practice. I breathed in my shamanism every chance I got. Also, you have to reach out to your master and ask for guidance. Ask for help. You can't do this journey by yourself which is the reason why we need a mentor.

An ongoing challenge since becoming a Hmong shaman are the restrictions that you will develop as your practice continues. For some Hmong shamans they have no restrictions, but for others it may not be the case. Before I even began my journey I couldn't go to funerals or funeral homes, let alone eat food at funerals. And although I've broken this restriction occasionally, I experience the consequences thereafter. Funeral homes and cemeteries are intense places to be in for some shamans because in such places it holds a lot of energy, sometimes anger or confusion from spirits and ghosts. Shaman guides can place a strict hold on the activities of what a shaman can do. For example, fishing and hunting is a restriction for me and many other shamans. This symbolizes the "taking away" of a life when our guides are suppose to "heal" life and when we do fish or hunt, we'll either not catch any animals or experience pain after the hunt. Most recently for me, I've become a vegetarian. The eating of meat caused me to become terribly sick one weekend in which I thought I was going to die. I had a dream and after that dream I made a promise to my shamans that I will become a vegetarian if they agreed to heal me. And within 10 minutes everything went back to normal. It was as if I was never sick. Today, I am finding out more that as I touch raw meat, I get painful hives or red rashes on my hands. I never had this condition before my journey and it was just in the last year where I developed this restriction. However, there are so many health benefits to becoming a vegetarian that I am thankful for and although I miss the ribs and the bacon burgers, I think for health reasons I can stick to strictly vegetables and fruits.

Becoming a shaman has changed my life and I think for the better. I feel like I barely even remember anything from my life before, as if I've been reincarnated into who I am today. It's as if I've been given a whole new life, a new chance at living and leading with a positive life, a healthier mind, and a new perspective.

TFL HMONG SHAMAN