Accepting Qhua Neeb (Shaman Spirits)

A lot of people have asked me how I came to accept my shaman destiny, or how difficult was it to accept it. And to be honest, there never really was a time I can say that I "accepted" it. It's not an on or off switch where you turn it on. You don't get a certificate to say you've completed your journey or succeeded in anything, or that you've officially completed a training. In my personal experience and belief, this is a lifelong journey. There is no end and no level to complete. It's a roller coaster ride and there is no getting off. I am still learning so much about shamanism, spirituality, healing, and about my own ancestors. Even after 8-9 long years, I still feel like there is so much to still learn. I feel like there is so much more to learn, to do, and to experience in this journey. Until I can master all of these experiences, I don't believe I'll be ready to become a master (xib fwb) to anyone else. So, to answer the question, I honestly don't know if I've ever completely accepted my journey. Some days I'm ok with it, and other days I just want nothing to do with it. Some days I'm open about it, and other days I just wonder how different my life would be if I wasn't a Hmong shaman.

How has shamanism changed my life? This journey has changed my relationships with people, it changed the way I looked at life and how I lived my life, and it changed my career choices (it continues to do so). Becoming a shaman changed the goals I had for my life. It changed what I planned for myself and my future, and that's not a always a bad thing. I am where I need to be. And you are where you need to be in this moment as well, even if it's not where you want to be. Truth is, you may not have a choice whether or not you become a shaman, but you do have a choice in how you experience this journey. You won't always accept it 100% of the time. Sometimes it changes your life and it feels like a burden. Other times, it saves your life. So you find a way to live with it. Most days you accept it because it's your life, and you just learn to get on with it and get on with your life. You make sacrifices for this journey, but in return you also gain so much insight and understanding.

Accepting this journey opens so many challenges for you. But this journey is suppose to be challenging. It is meant for us to go through a deep discovery and connection to our ancestors, to spirits, and to the universe. That's not meant to be an easy journey. But remember, we don't go through anything we can't handle. Say it again. "I don't go through anything that I cannot handle." You were born a healer. Shaman ancestors selected you even before you were born. They knew you'd be able to do it, to heal, and to make a shift in the world. That is why you've been selected as a healer.

I can tell you what denying it looks like though. Denying your calling prolongs your shaman sickness (mob neeb). It prolongs your depression and anxiety. It prolongs your sense of searching and wondering about life. It prolongs your "kho siab" feeling (feeling like there's something out there for you but you don't know why or what). Denying your calling causes havoc in your life. Shaman guides will find ways to intensify your pain and suffering to the point of near death, but not enough to kill you. Denying it prolongs your night terrors and nightmares. You won't be able to control your senses or abilities, and it'll just become too overwhelming. Denying your calling prolongs your experiences of sleep paralysis. It heightens your supernatural experiences. And trust me, spirits and entities around you know if you have heightened abilities, and they'll test you, some will attack you, some will ask you for help, and others will haunt and scare you just because they can. Prolonging in your journey means continuing to live ad operate in chaos.

At the beginning stages, acceptance is hard, at least it was for me. It seemed like there was so much to do and to figure out. So many steps happening at once and it seemed better if I just didn't start it. To just quit because the beginning was too confusing or too hard. But, understand that again, this journey is not meant to be easy. Not everyone experiences an awakening. Not every person's family has to adapt to them becoming a Hmong shaman healer. Your journey is the first time its happening anywhere at any moment in time. You are figuring it out for the first time, so give yourself some grace. There's no instruction manual for you to check off. Take it one day at a time. Whether or not you stress about it or try to rush through it, there will always be things for you to do and take care of because this journey is life long. This journey is meant to be slow so you could learn to walk again. To look at life differently. To have time to make changes where needed. Don't try to make everything happen at once. A seed doesn't worry about the rain, the sun, the temperature, the fertilizer, or the birds and bees or other seeds around it. Its only mission is to grow more and more each day until it reaches through the dirt and experiences the sun for the very first time. Then, it'll learn how to cope with the wind. But until then, focus on how you can grow each day out of the mud so you can experience the sun for the first time. Be like the seed and focus on just your next step in front of you. Make steady and slow growths and eventually you, too, will sprout.

For me, my nightmares and visitation dreams began when I was just around 5 years old. My sleep paralysis also began around the same time. From there, I saw things before it happened. People visited me in my dreams and then shortly after, they would pass away. I was horrified of the night because it meant sleep, and sleep meant nightmares, night terrors, and sleep paralysis. I'd see dark figures in my room. Spirits and entities would beg for help, and other times they'd try to scare me. I normalized it from the age of five all the way up until the night we initiated my journey. When I initiated my shaman calling, accepting it meant that my experiences were valid and that it wasn't in my head. It meant that my experiences happened for a reason. That I wasn't just scared of the dark because I was a "scardy-cat." Or that I wasn't making shit up in my head.

Accepting my shaman journey has meant for me, my spiritual and emotional suffering wasn't in vain. It has been a way to connect to my ancestors and to the way we heal people. Accepting my shaman calling has meant for me, a new and second life. The life I was suppose to live and operate. Although it has been a roller coaster ride with no getting off, you get to decide the road ahead, where you want to go, and how you go. Becoming a shaman has taught me that life just isn't alike a circle, but it's a spiral.

TFL Hmong Shaman