Updates.

Honestly, there's been such big progress to my journey this far it's crazy! I never thought I'd be doing this, never in a million years. You can never really escape destiny or fate, no matter what you do. And as you accept it, of course you still run into challenges and personal struggles; but at least for me my spirit and intellectual mind is definitely more at peace. Despite all that is happening in my personal life right now, I feel more at peace then I ever have. This whole year I've kind of taken a break from doing anything related to shamanism. I still light joss sticks at my altar but in terms of doing diagnostic rituals or healing rituals, I stopped that for half the year. I just felt like I was going going going and didn't have time to reflect and grow as a shaman. I felt like I was doing rituals every week and people were calling every day, every week. It got to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore and it actually backfired on me. So, I took half the year off, closed my altar and really took that time to think about myself as a shaman, as a healer for my family and community. I learned so much in that time and felt like my shaman guides were in a process of healing itself too. At the beginning of the year I performed a really intense ritual and after that I just didn't quite feel the same. I felt like something was wrong. I had a really bothersome feeling as if someone or something was missing or reaching out for help. I felt a lot of pain in my hands for a few weeks and I knew that my shaman guides needed to rest. And so I closed my altar.

I am slowly getting back into it all. It's been an intense start, dealing with some difficult things and rituals. I wish I didn't have to ua neeb for anyone because that means someone is in need of healing; someone is hurt. As a shaman, sometimes we know the outcome or result of the situation but only allowed to say, "Have an open heart and mind, things will get better." Each ritual is a learning curve. I take away something from every ritual. People come to you not baring good news or positivity. People come to you in times of hardships, difficult challenges...and so almost always you are someone's only hope. There sure have been times when I feel like I didn't know what I was doing. There have been some rituals where I thought I couldn't keep going, either too tired and out of breath or just too lost. But I somehow find my way out of it. And there have been rituals where things actually get really scary.

Sometimes I find myself so mad and pissed off at my shaman spirits. I get mad and pissed off at this whole journey; why me? Why now? Why not someone else? Just a few days ago I went into this sudden and abrupt sickness. Shaking, high fever, cold sweats, and a pounding headache. Just out of the blue woke up one morning and felt like this. I couldn't get up. Couldn't go to work. Couldn't do anything but lay in bed because I was in too much pain. I was scared that if I fell asleep, I wouldn't wake up. That I'd die. And so I told the kids to check on me and wake me up every 20 minutes... I fell into this dream. I was in a pitch black universe, like it was night time but I could still see. I saw rows of buddhist monks sitting down. There had to be millions of rows and these rows formed a line on a spinning barrel that just kept going in an endless circle. Think of a spinning wheel used to make cloth, but a huge one with rows of buddhist monks. I was in a line with other monks about to take our place in one of these rows. I had on a monk robe as well. So, I picked a spot and sat down. I was on an endless wheel that just kept going. From what? I don't know. To where? I don't know. And why? I have no idea.... I woke up from this dream. I went to my altar and prayed to my shamans for some relief, I asked that If I must restrict from eating animals or any kind of meat, please make this pain go away. And in 15 minutes everything went away. Just like that. As if it had been erased from the ends of an eraser. My sickness gone. My headache, as if magic. I knew then that my shamans did not want me to eat meat or consume animals. I knew this because buddhist monks live in accordance to strict rules, one of them being no meat consumption.

Some shamans have very strict shaman spirits that often times put a lot of restrictions on what they can do or eat. Some shamans can't drink alcohol as this destroys the liver. Some shamans can't eat meat because what that animal eats, drinks, and how it was killed determines the cleanliness of it. Some shamans can't go fishing or do any kind of hunting because it takes away a life. Some shamans can't eat food at funeral homes. And so for the past few days since I woke up from this sickness I have been eating anything else but meat. A part of me feels sad that I am 25 and I have these shaman spirits controlling my life in this way. But a part of me feels thankful. Thankful for how much they've actually helped me become healthier and helped me become a better person. A person with more peace of mind. And there are things that I do for the sake of my shaman spirits that may seem odd or strange to people. But it is a journey meant for only me to understand.

-tfle