Stillbirth and Miscarriage

I'm sorry for writing about this. I am sorry for all the parents, couples, and mothers out there who lost a child. There is a special kind of strength for parents, but more specifically mothers and women, to overcoming losing a child that never had the chance to breath air or give their first cry. Many of us may know someone who has had a miscarriage, a still birth, or they lose their child during birth; an unbearable pain that leaves parents and couples no choice but to move forward without their child. This is a topic that no one wants to talk about and it's understandable. But as a spiritual person and a Hmong shaman, I want to shed some light and provide alternative answers to those who wonder why.

Medically, stillbirths are defined as delivery of a baby, typically on or after the 20th week, who has passed away. Babies born before that are considered miscarriages. A baby is still born in 1 out of every 200 pregnancies. Medically, causes of stillborn is a result of problems with the placenta. These include placenta abruption, which is when the placenta starts to separate from the uterus before the baby is born, high blood-pressure, hypertension, birth defects, chromosomal and genetic abnormalities, and more.

My interpretation of why a baby is stillborn is not a professional perspective rather from a single spiritual view. There may be many reasons why a baby is stillborn. Spirits, all of them, young or old, baby or not, all have the free will just like you and I. Baby spirits all have had lives before as well, just like you and I. Each soul, each spirit; they pick and choose their own parents and family they want to come to. We, ourselves, picked our own parents, family, and siblings we wanted to be with. The Hmong believe that before a spirit or soul can be reborn they must wash their spirit in hot boiling water (dej qub, dej npau) so that all their memories, feelings, thoughts, and promises from their past lives can be forgotten. After, they will be delivered to their parents from the Goddess and God, Niam Nkauj Kab Yeeb and Txiv Nraug Kab Tshuaj, who guard these baby spirits. They are in charge of sending the baby spirit/soul to the correct parents. Each person is written down in fate when they should have kids, how many, and with whom; all of which is in the hands of Niam Nkauj Kab Yeeb and Txiv Nraug Kab Tshuaj, usually predetermined. When that baby spirit is sent down to their parents, that child would also have their own fate already predetermined.

Hmong believe that perhaps in past lives both the mother and the father have debt or owe the baby spirit from many lives ago. That spirit would have not been able to wash themselves in dej qub, dej npau. And since the baby spirit is still a spirit, they will come in the form of a stillborn so that you can birth them as a way of paying them back so they can finally move on and pick their own parents and family. There is a story of a Hmong couple who kept having stillborn children. Legend has it that in their past lives they owed many of things to many people and those people could not move forward in their journey without having the debt paid. And so the spirits came back in forms of stillborn children so that the mother can give birth to them. After the 7th stillborn baby, they were finally able to conceive a healthy baby. What people need to realize about this is that it is not their fault. We are not in charge of or responsible for actions from past lives. We have no control or can't change the way our past lives were. It is not fair to parents, to all the women around the world who have to go through this.

Every spirit has their own free will. We get the free will to decide how we want to live life, experience it, and enjoy it. At the moment of conception, our spirit decides on on own terms how to experience life. In a miscarriage, your baby's spirit has free will to decide how they want to live. For some, it is a short lived time inside the womb. Even there they are able to take away their own life lessons so that in the next life they can perhaps experience life a little longer. Some spirits come and take away moments and then they must go home, to cleanse themselves again and pick a new family. When mothers and parents experience a sense of love for their unborn child, that child has learned, seen, and experienced unconditional love. Some take that with them and then they decide, on their own free will, to move on. That is a life experience worthy to them and that decision that they make is out of our control. The thing to remember most is that each spirit or soul choose you because they believe you can teach them and love them unconditionally. They have so much faith in you that without even being born, they make the decision that they've learned and experienced enough and so they go back. For parents and couples, remember that. Remember that you already offered them the entire world by your unconditional love that they didn't feel the need to come and experience it here on Earth.

For some baby spirits they are sensitive. They are not that strong. And so the transition from one existence, one plan, to another, is difficult. Some believe that some babies are not strong enough for this transition. Or when this transition does happen successfully. they attach themselves to the mother, physically and spiritually. They then become one. This weakens the mother's body, her spirit, and sometimes it can harm the baby inside the womb, it can even harm or kill the mother. This is why a special shaman ritual, known as ua neeb faiv thiab, is performed. This ritual separates the baby's spirit from the mother's and gives both the mom and the baby strength to survive as independent individuals. For many miscarriages, the spirit of the baby simply is not strong enough. For many stillbirths, the spirit of the baby is only strong enough for that moment of time. Special rituals in the Hmong tradition helps strengthen the baby both physically and spiritually. When the baby is already in a weak and vulnerable place, there may be many wild, evil, or dark spirit and demons that could harm the baby. This is often why it is encouraged that Hmong women who are with child stay indoors or that they should not cross bodies of water or go through forests. It is the belief that an evil spirit will take or eat their child and may result in a miscarriage or stillbirth. We may often see pregnant women wearing special bronze bracelets or red/white strings tied around their wrist or ankles for protection against evil spirits and ghosts. It is during this time that a person's body, specifically a woman's body, is most vulnerable.

There are many things in the Universe that happen that is out of our control. There are many things that happen without our understanding. Whatever the reason may be for a miscarriage or stillborn birth, it will forever mark a special place in our hearts. Pay attention to those times when you are by yourself, when you are sad or simply enjoying the breeze of the wind. Spirit babies show up in forms that we may not pay attention to. They can come in a form of a bug, a bird, a butterfly, or a random bubble. They may come in a dream or in a form of a shiny orb. They are simply visiting you, as their mother, and giving you a thanks. They are simply reminding you of their presence and one day may you reunite with the little ones that could have been. Find some time to heal yourself and be able to move forward knowing that you may not know or understand the truth.

-tfl