Tsa Thaj

July 14th, 2018. Tsa Thaj.

"Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night.. " I said as I closed my eyes and awaited my shaman spirits on the other side. How patiently waiting they all were in that village. We pranced on my horse, 9,000 and 8,000 shaman soldiers also on black horses behind me and all around me just flooding the gates of the spirit world... how the deceased look so sad from down below as we all hurried into the gates.

It was a long a time coming for this day to come. As a kid I would see these white and black strings on the ceilings of Hmong houses. I'd see this big ole rectangle book shelf altar and I often wonder what it was and why they had that. I remember seeing one of my cousin's grandma's altar and how I wanted to hear her life story, how she became a shaman, how she must have struggled and how challenging it must had been... Somewhere along growing up I came to find comfort in peace and quietness. I came to find comfort in my own identity as a Hmong shaman, as a gay Hmong man, as an individual trying to navigate the world and now, both the spirit world and the afterlife. This day has been a long time coming. The night of my tsa thaj, I sat next to my grandpa and he just talked about his dad's altar. He talked about times when he was a teen and he watched his dad ua neeb and oh how loud and intense his dad was. He talked about my great grandpa's altar and how in Laos there were so many bugs that at the end of the year the entire bottom of the altar would be eaten up by bugs. I have never heard my grandpa talk about his dad and especially not recently because he has a hard time remembering things now. I hear some pretty great stories about my family's shamanism and about my great grandpa. I'm glad I get to share this part of my life not only with my grandparents but also with my great grandparents on the other side. I get to say my grandparents lived to see me become a shaman. Overall I am just so thankful for my family, my aunts and uncles, my grandparents, my partner, my master, cousins, my parents, and especially my dad. He built my rooj neeb from scratch two years ago and then he made my thaj neeb. He has learned a lot from watching me and helping me train and begin this scary yet cool journey. As a parent you probably don't anticipate your child becoming a shaman, and my parents really supported me and loved me through bad and good times. I learned that I can't do this alone. I literally physically can't. Some things in life you can;t do all by yourself, so I am forever grateful for my entire family and my amazing partner for being there from the beginning to now.