The Lighthouse

It was a long and heavy day at work today. We talked about trauma and death... towards the end of the day I was talking to the clients and residents in the shelter I was reminded of my dear friend John. He passed away when we were just teenagers about to enter high school. He was one of the only boys to show kindness and love towards me. I was different from the rest of the other boys and people treated me so, except for John. Ever since his passing I could never find the strength to go back to the lighthouse or even the lake. I am reminded of his passing every time I go near my hometown's lake or when people talk about that lighthouse. During his funeral I remember just sitting there in the black chair and unsure of what to make of the situation. So today I visited the place. I just sat by the rocks, roasting myself in the sunlight and just allowing the heat to pierce my skin. What a long and exhausting day I thought... then I looked out into the lake and I said aloud to myself, "Hey John, I'm here buddy." After just a few seconds I saw something glowing in the water. It was moving and swimming. It came close to me and it looked like a big white koi carp fish! Do koi fish even live in Lake Michigan?? The tail narrowed out and there was an orange spot on it's head. I could see its fins so well and there seemed to have been whiskers of some sort on the fish. It was just swimming on by me and when the waves came and hit the rocks, the fish disappeared and retreated back with the waves...

I felt the presence of positive energy around me. That moment feels like when you jog at the lake and the sun hits the water for the first time in 24 hours and it reflects off into your eye. It feels like when you forget your wallet at home and then find $20 in your pocket and you have no idea how it got there. I just can't explain the feeling but something told me I was not alone right there and then. I just sat there looking at the fish and just smiling at it. Literally within 20 seconds it went away. Perhaps John wanted to see me too. Maybe he wanted to show me that he was with me in my time of exhaustion, loneliness, and sadness that I was feeling. Maybe he wanted to say, "It's ok, I'm here too.." I don't know and I'll never know. But every now and then he comes to my mind. He was mainly the boy that didn't really care if I was too flamboyant or acted like a girl or the fact that I have a lisp when I talk or walk with my hips. All he cared about was if I was kind. He just accepted me the way I was and never bothered to question who I was and that's what I appreciated so much about him. It's been 10 years this year and I can't even imagine how he'd be right now.

The point is, we cannot change what has already happened and sometimes we may never understand why some things happen or turn out the way it did. We spend so much of our time in doubt and in search of answers to our life's sadness or pain. Sometimes it's not even for us to understand. It is, however, for us to find the strength to forgive, forget, and move on the best we can.

-tfl