Fuck It.

When I sense high energy, I try my best to remove myself from the situation or I move to a different room. I see a circle of spirits, sniffing each and every person. Over the weekend I saw how painful these shaman spirits can be. I saw how much pain it brought to people, physically as well as emotionally. I saw how angry spirits can take control of someone's body and mind. How they can twist and cause harm to a person's body. I was telling myself that since I am a shaman now, since my shaman spirits have their own home or altar, that I'll be ok. That I'll be able to control my own destiny and my own thoughts and feelings. I won't feel any pain or energy in the room. I was mistaken. I felt every feeling, every spirit, every ancestor trying to come through. So, if I am being honest, becoming a shaman hasn't been easy. Becoming a shaman has sucked. It pisses me off that we have to be the ones to deal with this. It pisses me off that we have to go through pain and suffering just to become a shaman so we can experience it even more. It pisses me off that spirits are always pissed off or out to do harm to people and it pisses me off that I was chosen to fix the problem. Why can't it have been someone else? Why me? It pisses me off that everything is always about these shaman spirits and what they want. If we don't cater to their needs, they'll do harm. They'll make us sick. They'll cause trouble to us and our families and I've had it. I've had it that this is how shaman spirits are suppose to be. It's always, "what do your spirits want? how we can we make them happy?" Well when the fuck am I going to be happy? When will it be about me because all I ever feel and experience is the pain and suffering of these spirits. They say to make them a home or an altar and they'll watch over you and your family. So we go through the trouble of doing so and yet, all these unfortunate events still happen. I am at odds with my shaman spirits and ancestors. The only spirits that ever seem to come through are the angry ones. Are the dead, starving, dark and evil ones. You see, the good spirits, the ones that have passed and gone, those don't come and bother people. They are at peace. They've found their way. The ones that come and cause problems to people are the spirits that are fucking angry. They are the ones that want to fuck everything and everyone up because they felt pain and have unresolved issues. So I say this with the upmost respect, fuck my shaman spirits. Fuck these spirits. Fuck this energy.

-tfl