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I Find.


As I continue to grow, learn, and understand the many aspects of my ua neeb, I find it that going and coming gets easier and easier. It's like an unlocking of energy or unlocking a new complicated treasure box. You learn ways to access it, open it, use it, and although it feels like it's getting easier, you're actually just getting better. You know that feeling? Especially true right now, I find it that I allow a lot of things in like to simply happen rather than to make it happen. Just a few months ago before starting this journey, I had trouble just allowing things to be in life. There was a fixation around wanting things to be a perfect way. I always had to feel in control of what happens in my life and always had the need to understand everything. I find it now that not everything in life will make sense. In fact, a lot of what life is doesn't actually makes sense at all. Now a days, I find it that its become more easy for me to see where people are at. Even before this whole shaman ua neeb journey started, I called myself an "Energy Reader." I am just more open to a lot of energies around. I can feel a lot of people's energy and at times its a good thing, but at other times it gets really tough. Now a days I find myself having an overwhelming feeling of appreciation for just about everything. As an arising Hmong shaman, you get to hear stories from your xib fwb about the things they went through and encountered. You get to hear about their life and their journey, the things they went through and how they've come to accept their terms. There's almost an instant connect from soul to soul, spirit to spirit, from master to student and it truly doesn't make me feel alone. You also get to hear a lot of untold stories from other people, their struggles, their thoughts and feelings. You get to enjoy all the small things in life more and come to appreciate everything. I am coming to appreciate how short we get to live our lives and how material things like money, a big house, big cars, clothes, a big career, etc are truly just materialistic things. All materialistic things at the end fade. For anyone going through a difficult time in life, I simply say just think about the important things and appreciate the small things in life. Now a days, I truly truly do find myself with a loss ability to really worry or have a concern about events in my life. I've come to terms, allow them to happen, appreciate them, and I simply let it pass. Every moment we go through is meant to pass, every good or bad moment. With this, I find myself at a loss for conflict and judgement as well.

Now a days, I find myself being able to let things go and rid myself of anger. I swear I can go on and on about anger. I think I had so much anger in my undergrad or towards the end of my teen years up until the last year. I had anger towards my parents, family, school, and at my life and not understanding why things in life don't go as planned. I was angry at my mistakes and choices in life. So much so that I became depressed and bitter. But now, I find myself in a more peaceful place. Of course I still get angry, but I have less anger towards the important things in life and I simply allow things to happen the way it's suppose to. Now a days, I find myself with more courage and honesty. If I'm honest, a lot of things in life, especially while still growing up and trying to get your life started, is scary. We're not so sure of the world that our parents prepared us for. But since becoming a shaman and starting this whole journey, I find myself less afraid knowing that I have my dab neeb and ancestors with me. I tell myself now, "Do not go gently into..." Anything that I go through, now I go with full force and full faith. If I give it my all 110% of the time, I know within myself that things will turn out the way it should. Now a days, I find myself freeing of regret. I swear, this is a topic I can go on and on about too. A lot of times we as people suffer immensely because of lived regrets. Sometimes we think we could have done more or done something better. We think we should be more and be better. We devalue what we've done and regret what we didn't do. I use to be so angry at myself for being naive, being stupid, for being hurt and allowing myself to break. But, why should I regret those things? You and I, we're humans alike. We're beings that make mistakes, it's in our nature. I learned that I can't punish myself for lessons that had to be learned. We are allowed to feel sad, mad, angry...But we can't live in regret and waste our life thinking what could have been, should have been, or would have been...

So, here I am now. I find myself free of things like anger, regret, and I find myself able to channel those things and find forgiveness for others and myself. Find some type of peace in our life, even if it's just a pure second. A second of peace is a second less of suffering.

-tfl


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