Things I've Learned.

Photo: Ua Neeb Ceremony-10/30/16

I guess starting this ua neeb shaman ceremony has taught me a few things about myself and about life. Every day I feel like I am learning something new about the world and about who I am as a gay person, Hmong person, and as a shaman.

The first is, you will start to notice some changes in yourself. You'll notice how mature you become, how well rounded of a person you are, and you learn to work on your confidence and self-esteem. One reason I say confidence is that you have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone and really tell it how it is while ua neeb. My xiv fwb says, “at times you’ll be speaking a different language, you’ll be saying something no one understands but you. Don’t be shy or embarrassed.” Also, just like how we are faced with obstacles and challenges in real life, you'll also be faced with challenges and obstacles on the side; so confidence and bravery is needed. My pog (grandma) says, “You have to be fearless even when you are afraid.” All at the same time, my xiv fwb and pog reminds me to remain humble and thankful.

The second thing is, you really do realize that there are so many people, both friends and family, who really do encourage you. My family, from my parents and sisters to my aunts and uncles, to my supportive partner and to my best friend, all are very encouraging and supportive. All my life, it has seemed that I've always fought my battles alone by choice and I never really allowed people to see me for who I am and I never really allowed people to help me. I never wanted to ask for help and always thought that the world wasn't a friendly place... This journey has really allowed me to see that some people do care, people do love you, and that people want to help. The world isn't such a bad place after all. With this being said, there are those we come across that will challenge us. My intent is never to make someone believe me. People believe what they will.

The third thing is, since this journey and process has started, I’m seeing life in such a different perspective now. Life, as it seems, is so short. Often we worry about all sorts of things like money, rent, clothes, how we look and dress and how people think of us. It’s strange, but I guess you can say I care about deeper things in my life now like my health, my family, my partner, my dab neeb etc. I never stopped to think about if my family was doing ok, if my grandparents are doing good. I’ve always been on to go. But now I’m starting to look at lots of things in my life in a new way. Also, this process has made me think and look at death and spirituality in a whole new perspective. All life has meaning and death doesn’t mean it ends there. There is so much we don’t understand, so much we do not know. But one thing is for sure, there is something there for us after we die. A part of me fears it less now, but a part of me fears it even more!

The fourth thing is, I feel myself more spiritually open. I've always felt like I was a very spiritually inclined and in-tuned person. But now, it feels like I have a bridge, kind of like my own personal bridge that connects me and my ancestors, my neeb, and the energy around and beyond me. I'm definitely more in tune with people's energy levels and more aware of my surroundings than before as well. It’s something I cannot explain to people to make them understand. I myself can’t explain it very well!

When I sit on the rooj neeb, I feel myself ready to go. By this I mean, I can feel my heart racing, my feet and hands ready to shake, and I can feel my mind slowly fading into a trance. It’s such an overwhelming feeling. Sometimes I wonder how other shamans deal with such a powerful feeling for so many years. Before I go into a trance, I start to hyperventilate because my heart is racing so fast. At the same time my brain isn’t able to process this overwhelming sensation, so I literally lose control of my body. It's almost as if I black out, like there's a big bang that occurs in my brain seconds before I'm in a trance. It’s as if there is an explosion in my brain and everything goes pitch black and I’m in this focus or this fixed reality. I am able to hear myself and hear my surroundings ( a little), but I have no control of what I do and what I say.

These are four or five things I’ve come to learn so far in my journey.

-tfl