10.22.16

Today I am filled with thanks and gratitude from my family, my partner, and my xib fwb. It was another ceremony for me. Before the trance started, I was already filled with emotion. My heart was running fast, I was hyperventilating, and I felt the emotion in the room and the spiritual energy from my shaman spirits. I was trying sooo hard to control myself while my xib fwb performed the first part. My hands were clenched hard, my breathing sped up, and I was fighting every urge in me to not go into a trance and wait my turn. My shaman spirits were filled with emotion and it overtook me at times.

For this ceremony, my xib fwb basically had to find my dab neeb or shaman spirits and bring them down to me. As I sat down, my hands already shaking. My heart already beating faster and faster. My legs felt numb and my face felt like it was being shocked with electricity. My hands clenched and as soon as I heard the gongs, I was no longer in control of my body. It shook and it shook. It felt like I was in my own world. I could still hear my xib fwb, but at the same time my eyes were closed, my heart was pacing fast, and I was in my own little universe, traveling with my shaman spirits. I was conscious of how tired I was, but not in control of my own body. I couldn't stop and even though I was out of breath, my legs kept going and my hands kept shaking. Every piece, every inch of my body was shaking. It felt like every part of my body was being electrified. At times it even felt like I was flying and everything was beneath me.

After this, my xib fwb calmed me down and told me to listen to what she was going to tell me. She went through with me the stages of what to expect as a shaman. She walked me through what kinds of ceremonies people will ask of me, and she shared with me the things she says when she is in trance, the things she goes through, and what each line and verse meant. We now share one xib fwb. And since she is my xib fwb, I'd have to call for her spirits when I perform my own ceremonies in the future. This connects the two our spirits and shaman families together. She said for me to record the knowledge that was going to be passed down so I can practice and have something to reference back to when I need it. She walked me through the things a new shaman would and could come across and was very honest and truthful about her experience. No two shamans are the same. My xib fwb only serves as a guide, as a master of what she gone through and she offers me help and advice, but no two shamans are the same. Each their own individual, their own spirituality, their own style and technique of shamanism.

Going through events like today and experiencing things like this makes me look at life in a different way. It definitely drains me and exhausts me. But, it changed the things that I thought was important in life. It makes me appreciate life on a whole new level. Life is very short, I've learned. This journey so far has taught me that I am not always in control of my life and that in life, I'll expect things that I may not plan for. Today has taught me that everyone is on their own journey and everyone has their own time. We are all living beings with our own time. This journey has changed the way I understand people and how I understand the world. I know that there are those in this world who do not believe me. I was one of them. But, I can only share my lived experience and my truth, and that's all I can do. Again, everyone is on their own journey. I am forever thankful for my family, my parents, my partner, my grandma, and especially my xib fwb for all her help. I am glad that I have a person like her and people like her who share similar experiences. We no share one shaman family. We live life in ways that not everyone will understand and we are given knowledge that not everyone will get to know or experience. We are given both a gift and a burden.

-tfl