Symptoms

The title of this post is kind of misleading. There are no written "symptoms." There are no written rules. But what you're going to be reading are my experiences that led us to believe in my coming of a shaman. Every shaman, if you will, experiences something different. No two shamans are a like, no two shamans will experience the same things, and every shaman has a different style of how they perceive the world, how they perform, travel, and how they communicate.

I'm going to start from when I was a little boy. I've always had terrifying dreams. You know, the ones that make you get up in the middle of the night and realize that what you were dreaming of is actually standing by the end of your bed. Yeah, those kinds of dreams. I've always been afraid of the dark, even some nights in my adult life, I still sleep with the light on (my partner knows all too well). As a little infant I had my name changed because my spirit didn't like my name. I was born with the name Tub Foob. But, my grandma renamed me Kaj Siab so that my soul can be as free as a heart should feel. One of the early signs of spiritual challenges in a person, they say, is name change. My "master" or the Niam Neeb said that my shaman spirits came with me the moment I was born. They stuck by my side the very first breath I took entering the world and that I carried the burden and the gift of a shaman.

Entering my teen and young adult life, I've always felt a little different. I was both struggling with my sexuality and challenges with belonging. All my life I've always felt very "kho siab." How do I explain that to an adult. Kho Siab is a feeling of longing, missing, and searching for something or someone without know what or who. So, as a teen I couldn't really explain this feeling to anyone. One of the signs of spiritual awakenings is the feeling of being "kho siab." They say your heart and your soul is somewhere else, making you feel like you're longing for something or someone. It makes you feel like you miss home even when you are home. It's these moments that your spirit has left and is traveling with your shamans or other spirits. One of the signs of becoming a shaman, for me, was losing the death of a friend. It was his death that sparked a spiritual longing for death. It was his death that made my soul search for him. A lot of shamans at times feel very depressed as well. You see, we may be shamans and spiritual people, but we also feel the most. One sign for shamanism is not only great happiness but great depression. I fell into depression. I fell into my worst and darkest moments in my life. My young adulthood consisted of troubles with understanding who I was and trying to find acceptance. Personally for me, I troubled with finding a place in the world where I can be myself. So, I had suicidal thoughts. I lived in a very negative mindset. I shut everyone out. I built, not a wall, but a cave to cave myself in and bury myself. I guess another sign of shamanism, for me, is I often find myself depressed for no apparent reason. I sometimes wanted to cry out of the blue, I sometimes laughed for no reason, and sometimes I simply wanted to die for no reason.

In my young adult life now. First, let's talk about dreams. Now, part of being a shaman and being a spiritual essence is knowing how to differentiate between a random dream from an omen dream. Different shamans experience communication differently. Some through meditation, some through trance, some through simply sitting by their altar, but for me, I travel when I sleep. Travel here doesn't mean physically but rather, spiritually. I can honestly say I see life in a different perspective, literally. I know how short life can be because of these visions, these dreams, and the spirits I meet along the way when I travel. One of the signs of shamanism, for me, is having out of the body experiences. I can't really describe that feeling, but the closest I can get is with this description. It feels like I'm squeezing through a small hole and somehow managing to reach the other side. Sometimes it feels like I'm on a slippery rope and I'm trying to get to the top. I can't really explain that feeling. Another sign is seeing figures and forms of energy in my sleep. Now, I've had a lot of experiences where I would lay my body down and I'd see big dark solid figures standing in a specific area in the room. I'll never ever in my life forget this one experience I had. It was my sophomore year in college and I had my own room and I slept in a twin size bed. I had just put my head on the pillow and immediately I saw six or seven dark tall solid figures standing all around my bed. It was dark in my room, but the figures were still able to cast a shadow. The moment I realized what they were, I was paralyzed, literally. I couldn't move, I couldn't scream, I couldn't talk or do anything. If you've experienced sleep paralysis, you'd know what I'm talking about. Except, I was not asleep. I was awake and was experiencing wake paralysis. Then, I saw one of those dark figures jump and it sat right on my stomach. I was unable to move at this point. I moved and moved and even tried biting my tongue to cause enough pain to control myself. I was able to gain control eventually. The next morning, my back hurt for two weeks straight.

Another sign of my becoming of a shaman is seeing what people would say, ghosts, spirits, demons, devils, and Hmong people say, "Poj Ntxoog." Yes, it sounds incredibly unbelievable and a little schizo. But my posts aren't to convince anyone. It's to share my experiences with the world and to simply write it as it is. There was an incident the night before we were going to ua neeb for me. This was a few years back. I slept in my sisters old room. It's been empty for awhile because she's been gone for awhile. So, I decided to sleep in there. I suddenly heard a loud older Hmong lady's voice, screeching in my ear. I was unable to move, scream or do anything. I was paralyzed at this point. My eyes were shut. I decided to open my eyes and there it was. A Poj Ntxoog right above me. I'll try to describe its face the best I can. It had a very long face. A very big forehead and a smaller more narrow chin and jaw. It had very squinty small eyes. It almost looks like just two black dots on her face. It was smiling at me, or so I think it was. It's mouth was wide open. It's mouth and its lips led from one ear to the next. It had a huge mouth. It's forehead was all wrinkly and cracked. It had really big bags under its eye. The most disturbing was its tongue. Yes, it's tongue. It's tongue was huge. It was long. It was probably the size of my arm and as long too. It just stared at me with its mouth like that. You can believe I wanted to scream and I did. Nothing was coming out. I couldn't move. I was stuck there with this Poj Ntxoog floating ontop of me. So, I closed my eyes. I was panicking at this point. I thought that when I opened them again it'd be gone. So as I reopned my eyes, it was still there!! The first time was bad, but the second time... I nearly wanted to just die. So, I closed my eyes and I prayed. I prayed, I prayed. And at last I was able to free myself from this paralysis. I ran down stairs to my dad and was on the verge of tears. I told him what happened and he was just as scared as I was. His face was priceless. I'll never forget this night.

I have a lot dreams about flying to places, fighting demons and other spirits, and rescuing people. I had a dream I flew all the way to where the "Buffalo King" lived and I was fighting with him because he wanted to marry my mother. I fought and fought and fell to my knees in weakness. So, I left her and I came back down to Earth and told my family to prepare because I will be taking them to the land where the dead go and where animals ruled the lands as well. I took my entire family. It felt like 500 of us. And when I got there, I simply tied white string around all of us, creating a circle, and I told everyone to burn joss sticks and pray. Everyone prayed and it felt so powerful. This may only be a dream, but my whole body felt everyone's prayer.

There was another dream I had about my grandpa. Now, a lot of shaman's get dreams and visions about the health and well being of a sick one. When people are sick, they say that their soul is weak and naive to the energy and other spirits around them. When my grandpa had a stroke, I had a dream that night. I had a dream that a demon who lived in a far away cave came and took my grandpa. No one had the ability to reach him or find him. So, I volunteered myself to go get him back. I felt it was necessary for a young body able and physically able person to go fight this demon for my grandpa, and that's what I did. I flew in my dream and arrived in the cave. I went looking for my grandpa and I saw him laying in a dark room in the cave. He was so weak. His body, his legs, his arms, his face and his chest was so thin it looked like a skeleton. As I was about to pick him up, this cave demon came and attacked me. I fought back with all my might and with all my prayer and found a split second where I was able to pick my grandpa up and fly back home. Then, the next day in my dreams I came to visit him and he was all well. He had his strength back. When I woke up from this dream, later that evening they told me he had a stroke and was in the hospital. This dream didn't click for me at first but now that I look back, it makes sense to me now.

I've had a lot of omen dreams in my life so far. In particular, when a close one or someone I know is near death, I do receive a dream that their death is coming. I hate these dreams because I've only had three of them and three of them came true. This is all I will choose to say about this topic.

Now, I've had a lot dreams where random Hmong people, whom I have never seen before in my life, come and ask me for help. Now, psychologists say that the brain is unable to make up new aces. But I swear on my life I've never seen these people. They mostly ask for food and money and so I give it to them and they are on their way. One of the signs for me becoming a shaman was having this ability to converse and speak for these spirits in my dreams who ask for help. You see, my spirit travels a lot when I sleep. And the people I meet, the places I've seen is life changing. I guess the other world is sometimes much like this one. I've only had dreams where I've visited places that look like Thailand, Laos, Vietnam, and sometimes China. Sometimes people come beg me for food and sometimes they come scare me. One dream I had was when I traveled to a place where there was a blurred wall of some sort (can't really explain it once again). And I'd see a white string on the floor that created this wall. On the other side were dead Hmong people. Some starving to death, some already dead, and a lot of Poj Ntxoog trying to touch me or some even sticking out their tongue at me. Some even try to spit at me and some begging me to help them. This too is another dream I'll never forget...

Other random signs for me becoming a shaman was sickness. Another one is constant and consistent feet pain, hand pain, and back pain. It'll go away for a few days and come back. You see, shaman's shake with their hands and feet when in a trance. So, my hands and feet would hurt because I was not in trance and my shaman ancestors were angry. So, they'd cause me pain to tell me it's my turn to become a shaman. Another one for me is I can't go to funerals. Also, this may sound silly but a lot of shamans have very specific diet. They can't eat some foods because their shaman spirits don't like it. Honest, I don't eat anything that lives in the water or that uses water as a main life source. I don't know why, I just don't like it. This means no sea food such as shrimp, fish, clams, crawfish, seaweed, lobster, crab, frog, and sometimes even duck. Another sign, I am probably an expert on sleep paralysis because it's happened so many times. At least once a week since my teen years. It recently was stopped somewhat because I'm starting my shaman journey.

I apologize for such a long post. I still have way more stories and I'd really like to explain them in greater detail. However, I'll save some for tomorrow's post.

-tfl