First Shaman Experience

Hello to my readers. I am not sure how to really organize these blog posts. But I'll try my best not to jump around. A very long story short, my partner and I went to his family's shaman and sought help. As we went to her house to simply ask questions and have conversation about shamanism, she started to shake and went into her trance. She met with my shaman spirits and held a conversation with them. This was my first time really seeing something like this and I didn't know what to think of it. It was both scary and amazing. Now, I know this to be true because she is one of the kindest women I know. She is a giving and heart warming women who loves all kids like her own, someone who sacrifices her health and her time to help people in the community. Anyway, we then set a date (two weeks ago) to officially have a shaman ceremony to check my spirits and ancestors to see if I really had shaman spirits. This was the very first time we attempted to make contact.

Now, from the stories my grandma had told me, my great grandpa was a shaman. He died only when my father was a little kid, so I never got to meet him or knew how he looked like. I digress. Anyway, I'll try to explain the feeling I was going through as best and close to as I can. The morning that the Niam Neeb (Shaman) arrived, I felt an overwhelming emotion. I felt calm, but at the same time I felt a very sad emotion, a very upsetting and unease feeling. Hmong people describe a feeling called "tub siab" and "kho siab." I felt both those emotions that morning. A very heavy hearted morning it was. My heart started to beat faster than usual, my hands were already sweating, while at the same time I was trying my best to control my breathing, my thoughts, and my heart.

As the Niam Neeb climbed her shaman bench, she started to trance. Now, this ceremony was only to go check my shaman spirits and ancestors to see, confirm, and to bring them forward. It was not to make me an official shaman yet now was I going to sit on the bench yet. So no animal sacrifice or big ceremony was needed. She simply said she will be calmly going into the other world, find my ancestors, and talk to them and find out what they wanted. As she stood on her bench with her bells and the sounds of her gong, I started to feel an overwhelming and powerful sensation. I have never in my 22 years of life felt this feeling that I felt that day. I was hyperventilating, I was losing consciousness, and felt like I was losing my body. I felt like I was slipping into the Universe. I closed my eyes, couldn't open them, my hands clenched, my feet was ever so stiff, and I started to shake uncontrollably. My hands were pounding into my sides and my feet were jumping and shaking. My entire body, from head to toe felt like I was just hit by thunder. It felt electrifying and it felt like 100 voltz of electricity ran through my entire body. My mind felt like it exploded and I was finally able to, for the first time, open my mind completely. The sensation was so powerful I lost consciousness of my surroundings; I lost bodily functions. I was unable to control my body, my voice, or anything. I didn't say anything or see anything. I believe I was just moaning loudly and screeching, unable to find words, unable to think about words. It was as if the Hmong language didn't exist for me when I was in that trance. It felt like there were soooo many people trying to come out at once. It felt like there were so many people crying inside me, finding ways to escape and talk. I could not make words, could not control myself, I had no power over what was happening. And for the first time, I was okay with that. I was okay of letting go because I knew that, though physically I was here, spiritually I was not. I felt the love and sadness of so many ancestors, so many spirits and souls. I felt tragedy, sadness, kho siab, I felt hope as well.

Now, after the first incident that happened, I was able to come back to "reality." I was able to find my way and become conscious again. I had tears in my eyes. I was both unaware of what had just happened and also aware. It was as if I watched myself but unable to control what was happening. Now, there was a second and third incident as well. Throughout the ceremony I went into trance. I could not hold back my emotion and my feelings. My body was constantly being electrified and I could not control my hands and my feet. I cried so much. I cried loudly. My shamans came through me and made contact with my family. All they could do was cry with me too. It felt like a cry for help, a cry out of despair. It was a cry for answers. The closest I can get is the feeling someone would get if they haven't seen their parents for over 100 years and they finally get to meet and see them for the first time. Imagine, having never seen your parents or having been separated for so long and seeing them again for the first time. Imagine that feeling. Now imagine dozens of people experiencing that emotion in one room. It felt like that. It felt like many trying to make contact, trying to come through, trying to plead for answers. It felt like many who have long passed were able to see and make contact with the family again. It was all these emotions in one body, in one energy form. This was what it felt like when I went into trance. It took a lot of my energy after that trance and shamanic experience.

So, here I am. In another two weeks, I'll be the one sitting on the shaman bench. I'll be in Hmong clothes, jingling through and following the guidance of my Shaman Master. Here I am waiting. As I wait to take my next exam, I also wait to see my dead ancestors. I've decided to only blog about these experiences in the case that some other "young" shaman is going through the same experience. In the case that I can better help my friends and family understand what I'm going through. I can't seem to put these experiences and emotions into words that can fully describe how I feel.

I never in my life would have imagined myself in this situation. I guess it's both an amazing gift and also a heavy burden. How do I explain to people who ask? How do I talk about this to my family? Who do I tell what I'm going through to? A part of this experience is that I will face a lot of misunderstandings from a lot of people. Trust me, I can't explain it either. I can't explain these shamanic experiences. I can't explain the trance I went through. I can't prove anything or find evidence for any of this. I don't understand why it's me and not someone else. I don't feel a need to make others' believe me. I won't convince others. I won't try to convert anyone. I won't try to change anyone's belief. The only thing I can do is come to accept it for me. Accept my fate and come to embrace it. After what I've been through all my life, I owe it to myself to accept what my fate it. I may not understand it...but I must accept it.

-TFL